- I was a 13 year old blue-belt judoka and a confident fighter
If I thought it was hard enough getting through puberty first time round then bang, crash, wallop, here it comes a second time at 43 instead of 13. I’ve had a lot going on in these umpteen months I’ve been quiet here but, as those of you who’ve followed the ups and downs on Facebook know too well, I’ve had a lot to learn along the way about how my transition has impacted on my life. I felt, to be mindful of my own and my loved ones’ privacy, that I needed this ‘downtime’ to gather myself in my new emerging skin.
It’s a long winding road, and now I am trying to earn some desperate cash *open to offers!!* and am writing applications and getting back into business. At the same time I am trying to find somewhere to live so my poor parents can get their life back and I can get my desperately needed independence back again.
I can’t believe it is days away from my first manniversary, a year since I started T. The changes have been profound and life-changing for me and, apart from my deformed fatty pecs/ex-breasts aka The Beasts, I am man-shaped, man-voiced and, yep, pretty much like any other bloke you might bump into.
Coming up to this milestone has been an emotional journey in itself. I have been collaborating with a young transman in producing a short film. The film, along with other work will be part of an exhibition at The Cube in Corby 3-5 June 2011.
Too much has happened to be able to do it justice in one post but I am working on a book/film now to fill in some gaps and explore more of the issues that have emerged for me in my own transition. If you are a part of my life then I would always ask your express permission before naming you but I am finding ways to explore my own experiences without breaking trust. This has been a powerful lesson to me in this last year. That my own caution-to-the-wind approach about sharing my transition journey in such a public way has meant that people from all aspects of my life might identify themselves in my telling of a personal story. I just want you folks to know that if you feel uncomfortable with what I write then please let me know. I won’t use names unless you want me to!
Finally, thanks to everyone for being so patient with me. I am going to revamp and re-organise this blog and get my shit together with my professional site. The online counselling skills course I started has had to be put on hold temporarily while I get my housing and work sorted. Desperate for a venue to work from as a counsellor but am also getting back into some voluntary counselling work again soon once applications are processed and interviews, CRB etc done.
Still, at least things are moving in a forward direction again. I might get easily distracted at times still, but I am also strongly focused and motivated mostly, bar the few bad days. My social anxiety is just not there now. It’s good but, having been a bit of a recluse for most of this last year, I am now missing the day-to-day social relationships I used to enjoy hugely when I worked in my last job, as with other jobs in my life too. I enjoy working as much as I can. There’s always a shit side as a wage slave but if I am being paid something approaching what I feel I am worth then there’s a great deal of satisfaction and personal esteem that I find in ‘doing a good job’. If I’m paid shit and/or treated like a turd on a shoe then I find it so very easy to say a big F U in my own way.
That’s all for now folks … will post again when I have more details about the coming exhibition. I’ll also be doing a live interactive session(s) as part of the project. Looking forward to that … and to the launch event on 3 June. An occasion for the suit again ;-)